On our 4th wedding anniversary we decided to start what we were already preparing for another long journey. My regular OB gave me confidence when he wanted to start off right where we got pregnant with Canaan at. We were thrilled to feel like we were already starting out ahead. Clomid 100mg... 21 day progesterone level: 1... FAIL. He decided to try Clomid 150mg... 21 day progesterone level: <1... FAIL. I will try to be the least bit technical as possible because most will have ZERO idea what number, etc. mean. This is when we heard the news that he wanted us to go back to our RE.
We were disheartened, yet filled with more hope at the same time. We absolutely love Dr. Shon Rowan and the confidence that him and his team at WVU CRM displayed and have always displayed to us. Expressing that the first two rounds had me feeling very off to the point I wasn’t sure if I was ready to try round three just yet he decided on bumping down to 100mg of clomid along with the drug actos (a drug commonly used to control insulin levels) to balance out some of the hormones and to counteract some of the high levels I have due to PCOS. Going in for a cycle check we found that yet again this was a FAILED attempt. Frustrated I said "why isn’t this working this time?!" Dr Rowan simply replied "I have a plan, come to my office." Sometimes I think his confidence is the only thing that pushed me forward.
We went back to 150mg along with actos and at our recheck we found that we had 4 very healthy follicles. I thought we were all going to die. "Ok... looks like you over responded." After a long discussion about what this meant...(I’d be more than happy to tell you the story over coffee.) I personally decided to cancel the cycle, even though it may have already been too late. David was thrilled at the idea for about 30 seconds but again we FAILED to conceive not even one baby. I was slightly relieved and discouraged all at the same time. That is the thing with infertility-its ALL the emotions ALL the time. We however had become the talk of the office and it’s been mentioned every time that we’ve been back since. 😬 We started again at 125mg of Clomid along with the actos... FAIL. Are you exhausted yet?! Because I’m giving you the briefest run down, if only I could include the tears, the prayers, the sleepless nights, the heartbreak of viewing negative pregnancy tests that went in between all of this.. because at this point we’re a year in and I’m thinking "I don’t know if I can do this again." This last cycle all I kept thinking was "I don’t know what we’re going to do if it doesn’t work this time..."
We started again, this time on letrozol( a drug comply use for breast cancer) keeping with actos as well. Another interesting fact is that when you are using these drugs against their FDA use, insurance doesn't cover this. I took three negative pregnancy tests, cried myself to sleep after praying and reading scripture convinced this was another FAIL and that I didn’t have the energy to do it again. The next morning I got up it was just me and Canaan we spent the whole morning together, those are some of my favorite days. We stopped at Target and I decided what’s another $10 when we’ve already spent hundreds if not into the thousands...We came home and I thought for a second to wait until David got home but I truly felt it was going to be negative and I couldn't bare to see his face when he saw another negative test.
POSITIVE. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried for the longest time and immediately wanted to hoard this baby to myself. I didn’t want anyone to know, I wanted it to be just me and this precious life inside for as long as I could keep it. A week later we went for routine blood work to test HCG levels, the numbers were great (in the 2000s) and we needed to repeat the blood work in two days to make sure they doubled. We were preparing to attend my great aunts funeral when the phone rang, waiting to hear the nurse say that the numbers were great and had doubled. She said the numbers had dropped in half, I said nothing and all she could say was "I’m sorry." I really have no idea how the rest of the phone call went-beside bits and pieces. You see, we see these professionals several times a month and you become like family with them, I could hear the sadness in her voice and I hurried up and hung the phone up because I could hold the sobs in for a second longer.
I walked down our hallway to Canaan’s room where David was and I fell to the ground sobbing, barely breathing. I never in my life felt that amount of pain and heartbreak, it was easily the worst day of my life. I called my mom, I don’t even know if she could understand me because she handed the phone to my dad and I don’t even remember the details of that call either or the rest of that day or the following days. I prayed I would never know such heartbreak, so many woman have dealt with this exact thing and I instantly felt like a statistic. Woman silent themselves on this issue and its heartbreaking to me, I get it, I see why, I feel why, but its really done me know good. We wait until so many weeks to announce a pregnancy because if something happens before then its like it never happened to the rest of the world, your family, friend, and you harbor this deep rooted loss alone and that my friends is SILLY(in the nicest, sweetest way I can put it.)
We had to again repeat blood work to make sure my body was naturally going to miscarry, on Saturday. I saw the results before our doctors because of modern technology(not always a good thing)and that fact that it was Saturday. our numbers were way back up into the 8,000 and we were left confused and hopeful. We had to wait until Monday to hear from our doctor who wanted us to come in the following day for an ultrasound to determine what exactly was going on.
At five weeks you cannot really see much on an ultrasound but sacks and maybe a yolk sac. We saw 2 sacs and one yolk sac but that didn't mean much. Our doctor assured us that vanishing twin syndrome would probably be occurring due to the drop in HCG and then the rise again. We were hoping for answers but really had none and just hoped we would have more in a week and a half, the longest 12 days ever.
6.5 weeks and we saw two sacs, two yolk sacs and one visible heartbeat. Still not much answers, but hope. At this point we were helpless as well and reached out to immediate family and our church. Goodness friends, if you do not have a church that loves on you as much as you love on them, find a new one!
At 8 weeks, we saw and heard two perfect in our hearing heartbeats. Our doctor however pointed out the differences in their heartbeats, Baby B had a much slower heart rate and he assured us again that he believed we would lose Baby B. I'll mention too that there was always a difference in their sizes, Baby A always measuring right on track to the day and Baby B always measuring smaller-drastically smaller at that early on.
We went in at 9 weeks and Baby B had no heartbeat. David and I had an oddly calm feeling, noting that we both had been more upset at the previous appointments. We knew the Lord could do whatever he wanted but we also needed the straightforwardness of medical professionals during this time too.
They keep saying things like "vanishing twin" but I think that is a horrible term for a baby with a heartbeat. I can't bear to hear that word, because I don't want this baby to vanish, and if were looking at an ultrasound, we can still see out babies-together. I don't want to pretend like they never were.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5
It has been 10 weeks since we lost Baby B. Some days are worse than others, but most nights I can't sleep and when I do sleep I have nightmares about our babies. I lie awake hearing Baby B's heartbeat echo in my mind throughout the night or in extremely silent moments throughout the day, this is just as bad as a nightmare. Even worse are the ultrasounds that we have had following where we still see Baby B and have to tell the story to each ultrasound tech so they don't think they have to be the one to discover the horrid news we already know. We have to sit/lie there while they still do all the same measuring of Baby B as they do with our healthy Baby BOY. Now the difference is so notable it is heartbreaking all over again because we see out little Baby BOY moving all around and then the screen changes to another very opposite scene.
Oh but there are good days when I'm singing along in the car with Canaan in the back seat to We Will Not Be Shaken and I believe the words to my core.
For in the hour of our darkest day
We will not tremble, we won't be afraid
Hope is rising like the light of dawn
Our God is for us, He has overcome
For we trust in our God
And through His unfailing love
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
My husband recently preached a message where is referenced Matthew 14 28 And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." 29 He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
I realized then in the middle of this struggle between having good days and having bad days is when the bad days come and rage, is when my eyes have shifted off of Jesus. We trust and we get out of the boat but when the winds come we get scared and we cry out to be saved, because our eyes have shifted off of Him. This has been a constant battle for me to keep my eyes fixed on Him.
Oh but there are good days when I'm singing along in the car with Canaan in the back seat to We Will Not Be Shaken and I believe the words to my core.
For in the hour of our darkest day
We will not tremble, we won't be afraid
Hope is rising like the light of dawn
Our God is for us, He has overcome
For we trust in our God
And through His unfailing love
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
My husband recently preached a message where is referenced Matthew 14 28 And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." 29 He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
I realized then in the middle of this struggle between having good days and having bad days is when the bad days come and rage, is when my eyes have shifted off of Jesus. We trust and we get out of the boat but when the winds come we get scared and we cry out to be saved, because our eyes have shifted off of Him. This has been a constant battle for me to keep my eyes fixed on Him.
I worry about how the rest of our lives will be, I worry if I will always look at this baby and feel something missing. I wonder if on his first birthday I will be sad and again feel something missing. I worry that this reality will take away all the happy celebrations of our sweet boy.
Sharing all of this has been such a huge fear of mine. In reality I'm doing this for me, I've always found something healing in writing. I've mostly kept this "blog" as a diary for my family to always glorify our Creator, for my children to always remember that I have done nothing as their mom without the sole reliance of the Lord and if you are reading this I hope that is what you are understanding as well. Also, that I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be in my relationship with Him at times.
I recently began reading Lysa Terkeurst's new book It's Not Supposed To Be This Way, which prompted me much more to finally hit the publish button on this. Lysa states in her book "In the quiet, unexpressed, unwrestled-through disappointments, Satan is handcrafting his most damning weapons against us and those we love. It's his subtle seduction to get us alone with our thoughts so he can slip in whispers that will develop our disappoints into destructive choices."
I've always thought of myself as a fairly private person when it comes to things like this and its really no good for me, for my family, for my relationship with the Lord or for those that that genuinely care about me and my family. Community is so important and we learn more and more about that and the heart of God when we dive into full relationship with Him and with others of a like faith.
If you've hung out this long, I hope this encourages you to share your stories. I still don't know why God has sent us down this path, but I trust it is for a bigger purpose than such deep heartache.
"The disappointment that is exhausting and frustrating you? It holds the potential for so much good. But we will only see it as good if we trust the heart of the Giver."
-Lysa Terkeurst
Sharing all of this has been such a huge fear of mine. In reality I'm doing this for me, I've always found something healing in writing. I've mostly kept this "blog" as a diary for my family to always glorify our Creator, for my children to always remember that I have done nothing as their mom without the sole reliance of the Lord and if you are reading this I hope that is what you are understanding as well. Also, that I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be in my relationship with Him at times.
I recently began reading Lysa Terkeurst's new book It's Not Supposed To Be This Way, which prompted me much more to finally hit the publish button on this. Lysa states in her book "In the quiet, unexpressed, unwrestled-through disappointments, Satan is handcrafting his most damning weapons against us and those we love. It's his subtle seduction to get us alone with our thoughts so he can slip in whispers that will develop our disappoints into destructive choices."
I've always thought of myself as a fairly private person when it comes to things like this and its really no good for me, for my family, for my relationship with the Lord or for those that that genuinely care about me and my family. Community is so important and we learn more and more about that and the heart of God when we dive into full relationship with Him and with others of a like faith.
If you've hung out this long, I hope this encourages you to share your stories. I still don't know why God has sent us down this path, but I trust it is for a bigger purpose than such deep heartache.
"The disappointment that is exhausting and frustrating you? It holds the potential for so much good. But we will only see it as good if we trust the heart of the Giver."
-Lysa Terkeurst
